Postcards Home

Dear N,

2008-07-19T09:58:00.000-07:00

Dear N.,

I'm sorry but I find it rather difficult
to read the thingsyou waited weeks to write and that
we both know
you never really meant
And i don't hate you,
at least most of the time.
But these days
you try to lecture me on my
cigarette saviors
and i have to remind you to
shutthefuckup
You keep saying I'm your best friend
but to me you area shallow good time,once in a while,
a narcissist and
most of the things I've come to hate

I cannot Read Your Letters Anymore

2008-07-12T12:04:00.000-07:00

I can't read your letters anymore.

I know i would be heartbroken
if i could never see them again
but i think that is a heartbreak
that i might enjoy,
even if i cannot move myself to cause it.

Reading them i feel that i'm sinking and stupid. I can't believe how bold we've grown and how sweet the aggressive swearing had come to be.

Dear Lover 3.8 or something

2008-07-12T12:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Lover,

i woke up one day and i think my
skin must have fit me differently
and really i wonder why
just now i've forgotten the time, the date
the season and the city

I woke up one day, not so long ago
and i found that you, my dear
fit me differently too and i'm pretty sure
that this new fit i don't like too well
you see, sometimes perfection turns itself
into perfect hell

you no longer understand what it means when
i can't look at you when
i talk to you or when i
am making coffee and you are
looking at me

and i no longer understand what
it is that you want me
to do but i do know
that i just can't do it i will
hesitate and then shake
uncontrollably cause you don't know what

happened to me before you ever
even saw me
and you won't understand why i
can't do things like that

yours, jordan

Stranger

2008-05-03T12:26:00.000-07:00

What's wrong? I know you don't know, and don't get me wrong I'm not mad or upset with you. I love you. But I'm really afraid that you'll turn into someone that I don't like anymore, again like when you were doing all that coke. Everything is swirling around us like a vortex and I can't help but think that you're going to get sucked up into it, without protest. Your room-mate and you will start doing lots of drugs and drinking again (Not that I didn't spend many summers the same way). But we got to a point where things are good. And now everything is changing and I know I should talk to you, but I'm not sure I will. You will stop caring about me. You'll be easily influenced by the bunches of people your room-mate brings in and I will lose you. I will no longer recognize you; you will be the stranger waking up next to me.

I'm supposed to be excited about the future, but all i want is right now.

Plane Ride Home

2008-04-26T13:15:00.000-07:00

I've been told I'm horrid with good-byes
but nothing you say could make me
want to stay
i'd prefer a window-seat please
and sit me by the ten year old if you have to
the incessant blah blah blah
-this kid told me she won't let me finish my book

she actually took it away from me
just so i'll talk to her
i guess she has to fly
back and forth, kc to cleveland
between parents that force her to hate them
on alternating weekends

you, on the other hand
haven't moved except to take some steps
backwards, into mud and filth
this plane ride feels like pneumonia
worsening the farther it gets

i start developing a panic
and all i can think is that
i wish i could ask the pilot to turn back around
this little girl and i are making noise like siblings
on a family road trip

i'm actually almost surprised one of the flight attendants
doesn't just snap and yell,
"If you two don't shut up I'll turn this damned plane around!"
(i think maybe i hope she would)
we get closer and
i feel like all the air is
funneling out of the cabin

the patchwork farms creep closer and closer
like cancer in a place
you didn't even know you could get it
(i didn't know a plane landing could make me
feel this way)
and an hour and a half after lift off
i'm hesistant to unload,
almost wishing i had missed my flight

[time to go home]

Letter Home (I don't love you anymore)

2008-04-19T14:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Lover,

i would like to tell you a story. well, actually its more of explaining with kind of a story. so i'm getting homesick for places i never loved. actually, places i hated. people i hated. i think maybe i just miss the ability to go somewhere and be so far detached from this this town i guess. kansas, i used to love you, but you're moving too fast and i'm too slow to love you i guess. I miss the red lights of amsterdam; knowing that sleeping in that shitty, small room that reeked of mary jane kept me from being alone. but no one really knew me, you know? i mean, if you think you know what i'm doing wrong you're gonna have to get in line, you know? i hate it when people do that. I miss nobody knowing who i am or where i'm going. kansas, your skys have betrayed me. your winds whispered my secrets far and wide and now i've just gotta get out. you see, kansas, you've made me look like a fool. i loved you for your warm winds and slow summers. I loved cold white mornings and i used to love getting caught in your downpours. but you see, kansas, your golden fields and warm nights no longer hold me quite like they used to. i'm in love with what you used to be. You used to be warm nights laying on concrete. You used to be my country road freedom. And i even miss the way you would catch me by surprise sometimes. but now you're different. the rain is cold. people don't smile like they used to. you move so fast. i used to like waking up in clear, warm sunlight but honestly? I'd rather have Parisian subways that don't change their pace, catching me unaware. I'd rather have cold german rain that won't let you down. I'd rather have england's sky, that refuses to listen to my secrets. I'd rather put my life into Bruxelles confused and mismatched signs. I'd rather soak in poland, where they don't understand a word i say, and really don't care. its good. cause i don't care anymore either kansas. you've let me down. how could i have ever had such a deep and secretive love for you? you swirl me around in floods and refuse to let me go. i want paris where i can jump into any bottle i please, and come and go as i please. i'm sorry kansas. but i can't love you anymore when you don't love me back. i can't please the people here, and i don't care to. you've changed kansas, and i don't love you anymore.

sincerely, jordan

just shut up, dude

2008-04-19T13:45:00.000-07:00

Dear man who is an asshole to me even he doesn't even know me,

i don't know what your problem is. i was willing to sympathize with you however, until you treated me like shit. i don't care what your problem is. just don't make it mine.

love, jordan (the pink-haired punkass you were yelling at)